Elder Jeffery R. Holland: "Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." October 2013 General Conference
ALL EMOTIONS ARE NECESSARY
Sadness and depression are described as feelings of sorrow, unhappiness, and grief, and they are a normal part of our experience here on earth. Sadness and depression can come through difficulties resulting from rejection, interpersonal relationships, disappointments, and other pains. They are difficult, yet essential, elements in our growth.
Dr. Brene Brown: “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” The Gifts of Imperfection
Elder Bruce C. Hafen: "I have found in working with others that many of our decisions are influenced more than they should be by our desire to avoid sorrow, distress, frustration, and other kinds of psychic suffering. We understandably prefer almost anything to that kind of pain.
"Our culture has become as skillful in the art of neutralizing emotional and spiritual pain as in sedating physical pain. Medicine is, in a sense, symbolic of our age. Unquestionably, medicine is often a blessing; but as all must know by now, the drugs of our time, both the literal and the figurative kinds, also offer escape—not only from pain, but also from responsibility and reality. And thus some people have developed an instinctive inclination to chart their course, both short and long range, by choosing those alternatives that will minimize their exposure to the uncomfortable consequences of taking life as it comes. Avoiding or escaping discomfort becomes almost a guiding purpose of life, as if getting around such pitfalls were the essence of a happy life.
"The gospel teaches, however, that the presence of painful experience is an important element in man’s capacity ultimately to experience joy—and not just because it feels so good when the pain stops! I do not encourage the outright seeking of pain; for it, like temptation, will find us soon enough. Nor can I feel good about the martyr who strangely seems to enjoy and prolong the misery of his misfortunes—the type who is willing to suffer in silence as long as he is sure everybody knows about it. My concern is simply with those whose priorities and responses seem carefully designed to avoid or escape from psychic pain, almost at any cost. (see “A Willingness to Learn from Pain,” Ensign, Oct. 1983, 64, 66).
Sister Reyna I. Aburto: “Like any part of the body, the brain is subject to illnesses, trauma, and chemical imbalances. When our minds are suffering, it is appropriate to seek help from God, from those around us, and from medical and mental health professionals. …
“It is normal to feel sad or worried once in a while. Sadness and anxiety are natural human emotions. However, if we are constantly sad and if our pain blocks our ability to feel the love of our Heavenly Father and His Son and the influence of the Holy Ghost, then we may be suffering from depression, anxiety, or another emotional condition” (“Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me!” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2019, 57).
IT'S OK TO GRIEVE...
Almost everyone will experience grief at some point in their lifetime, whether due to the death of a loved one or another loss or big life change such as losing a job or a relationship. Because of the gospel, our covenants, and the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again, we may feel that we shouldn’t struggle with grief. However, this is not the case. Even the Savior wept when Lazarus died, because He loved him (see John 11:35–36).
President Russell M. Nelson: “Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: ‘Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die’ [Doctrine and Covenants 42:45]” (“Doors of Death,” Ensign, May 1992, 20).
IT'S OK (and HEALTHY) TO cry...
Dr. Lindsay Gibson: "I often tell clients that tears can be thought of as a physical sign of the integration process that's occurring in our hearts and minds. When you cry these deeper tears of realization, you ultimately end up feeling better ... Your body knows how to cry and grieve. If you let your feelings arise and keep trying to understand them, you'll come out of the experience a more integrated, mature person, with greater compassion for both yourself and others." (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, p. 169-170).
A word about Anger...
The Savior taught the Nephites: “There shall be no disputations among you. … For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:29–30).
When we allow ourselves to dwell on angry thoughts, our body also reacts. Physical reactions in the body increase our “emotional temperature level.” Certain behaviors can intensify our anger, so learning skills that help us “cool down” is an important part of managing anger.
One way you can choose to respond is through humor. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “Jesus found special joy and happiness in children and said all of us should be more like them—guileless and pure, quick to laugh and to love and to forgive” (“This Do in Remembrance of Me,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 68–69). Being able to laugh at yourself or find humor in a situation helps you better cope with life’s unexpected frustrations and disappointments. Uplifting humor can help improve your attitude, relationships, and health. This kind of humor does not offend or embarrass others. As it says in Proverbs, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). While it’s not appropriate to laugh all the time, most people could benefit by laughing more.
IDENTIFYING THE REAL EMOTION & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Depression
Review uplifting scriptures and stories. Collect scriptures, personal experiences, quotations, and family stories that encourage and uplift you. When you read these accounts, imagine your name in them. (Examples: 2 Nephi 4; Mosiah 24:13–14; Alma 36:3; D&C 4; 6; 31; Proverbs 3:5–6; Helaman 5:12; and “Adversity” in True to the Faith.)
Review your patriarchal blessing for guidance. Look for your gifts and strengths.
Don’t procrastinate. Putting things off can lead to depression. Break down big tasks into smaller pieces. Get started, reminding yourself, “All I have to do right now is ______” or “I’ll just do this a few minutes and then take a break if I want.”
Listen to music or sing. Choose music that is calm and soothing if you are anxious, or music that is upbeat and cheerful if you feel down.
Don’t let resentment build up. If you feel resentful about something, ask for help with solving the problem without criticizing or blaming others. If you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t let yourself resent it.
Set realistic goals, and make specific plans for how you will accomplish them. Tackle things that distress you one at a time. Depression responds well to goals and plans.
Let go of what you cannot control. The past, the agency of others, the weather, government bureaucracies, the culture, your limitations, or the personality of others are outside of your control. Focus on things you can do something about, such as your behavior, your part in a relationship, your current choices, and your attitude.
Accept the reality of some boring routines. Not all of life is deeply meaningful and exciting. Avoid creating drama, intensity, or conflict to deal with boredom. Instead, appreciate and enjoy the good around you, and look for ways to improve and serve.
Find things to enjoy. Rediscover humor, savor the beauty in the world, notice the kindness of others, and delight in the Spirit’s presence.
Do the basics: prayer, scripture study, and service. Focus on gratitude. When reading scriptures, be careful to focus on the parts that most apply to you. For example, don’t overfocus on God’s anger with sinners if you tend to be a perfectionist.
Read Alma 26 and discover what Ammon did when he was discouraged. Also read Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 and note how Joseph Smith kept discouragement at bay. Don’t get depressed about being depressed, creating a vicious circle. It is normal to have days when we feel discouraged, stressed, or sad. Most of the time it will pass.
Anxiety or Inadequacy
Enjoy being a beginner when you are new at something. You aren’t expected to be an expert. It is enough to be curious, interested, humble, and willing to try. Enjoy it!
Cheerfully do what you can, and let God make up the difference. Sometimes you may feel useless or ashamed when others look more successful. If Satan tempts you to doubt yourself or compare yourself to others, remember He chooses the weak and simple to do hard things. He has chosen you! Trust Him. He trusts you!
Envision success. Worrying can be a way of mentally practicing failure. Instead of rehearsing what can go wrong or constantly worrying about “what if,” mentally practice positive outcomes and make plans to achieve them. Then if things don’t work out as you hope, imagine yourself learning from the setback and going forward.
Don’t try to control what you can’t. Trying to control things you cannot control only makes you feel more out of control, increasing your anxiety. Focus your energy on things you can do something about.
Ask, “What is the worst that can happen?” If the worst possible outcome is something you can live with or something the Savior can help you overcome, move on without fear.
Try slowing down by 10 percent if you tend to rush a lot. You may be more efficient if you are calmer.
Serve.
Anger
Give your brain time to override your emotions. The part of your brain that can reason and use good judgment is slower than the part of your brain that gets angry. Turn away from the situation for a few minutes, and take some deep breaths to give your rational brain time to engage.
Don’t feed anger. People are more likely to feel angry when they choose to see others as (1) threatening, (2) unfair, or (3) disrespectful. Instead, see if you can think of a more charitable explanation for their behavior. For example, perhaps they are tired, uninformed, insecure, or think they are being helpful. Make the choice not to fuel anger.
Be calm, curious, and compassionate. Be curious about what others are thinking and feeling. Ask questions, listen carefully, tell the other person what you think you heard, and ask if you understood correctly. If not, try again.
Resist the tendency to blame or shame others or yourself. Instead, figure out what the problem is and ask the other person for help in fixing it, regardless of whose fault it is.
Be willing to apologize and ask what you can do to make things right. Apologizing is a sign of spiritual strength, not a sign of weakness.
Smile and be willing to laugh at yourself. Look in the mirror to see what you look like when you are angry.
Serve those you are prone to be upset with. Apply the Savior’s counsel to “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you” (3 Nephi 12:44).
Take good care of yourself. Make sure you are eating well, sleeping, exercising, and praying so you have more emotional resources for dealing with frustration.
Overwhelmed or Frustrated
Focus on your strengths. What are your values, talents, experiences, and gifts? How could you use those strengths in creative ways this week? If you have trouble seeing your strengths, ask others for help.
Take one step at a time. Remind yourself, “All I have to do right now is ______.”
Make it fun! Set interesting goals for yourself, and make a game out of meeting them. Be creative and congratulate yourself for success.
Don’t overwhelm yourself with too many personal goals at once. Set one or two personal goals at a time (like being more cheerful or less messy). Don’t expect perfection, and include a plan for how you will get back on track when you have a bad day. Remind yourself often of why you want to change.
Share your goals with a trusted friend or family member. They can support you and offer helpful ideas.
Realize that motivation follows action. Getting started is often the hardest part. Tell yourself, “Just do it for 10 minutes” when you need to start something you don’t want to do. Once you get started, you will feel more motivated.
PRactice
With a partner(s), share how you are feeling today using words from the outer two rings of the Emotions Circle. What is causing that emotion(s)? If your emotional state has been somewhere other than yellow or parts of purple, how are you managing those emotions? Are there any suggestions in the above lists that might help you?
Charlotte is so angry right now. Her roommate still has not paid her part of the rent this month. Her biology professor postponed a test that Charlotte spent all night studying for. Charlotte's boyfriend hasn't had time to spend with her for the past three days and last night when he did have time, she was studying for a test. On top of that, things are work are hard. People have been talking behind Charlotte's back about how she is the manager's "pet". Charlotte works hard at everything she does and the manager recognizes her effort and compensates her the work she does. "The other employees are just jealous," she thinks. Charlotte is just fed up, and just now as she was getting into her car, the Check Engine light came on.
Comments